Hello friends, during a leisurely breakfast, my sister-in-law and I found ourselves talking about my mom and our family. Both of my brothers had divorced and remarried, and I had been painfully close to divorce. “Why do you think that was?” I asked her. Susan had known my parents for years before their deaths. Her instant response made me think she had thought about this question before.
“ I know the reason. You were never taught relationships skills—
about intimacy and how to listen.”
“Ah…” I responded, taking a big breath and sighing. She was right.
Mom and Dad lived through the Depression and World War II and then worked very hard as parents, doing many loving things for my brothers and me. But they did not teach us by word or by example how to express emotions or discuss uncomfortable topics. One time, I nervously asked Mom what homosexuality meant. She brushed me off with some stumbling words about it just being something people talk about…that she didn’t know…and then she changed the subject. I never forgot how bad it felt to be shut down like that. We didn’t talk about love, God, healthy communication, forgiveness, or, heaven forbid, sex. Nor did we talk about relationships, including the six-month marriage of my mom that had ended many years before she married my father. This remained a secret until I accidentally learned about it as teenager.
The result was that I was intellectually capable but emotionally immature when I left home. To use the language of Roberta Gilbert in Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions, I was not very “differentiated” and didn’t know or recognize my authentic, true self. Had I been more differentiated, I believe I would not have said yes to a proposal six weeks after I met Jacob, a dashing man from India who was ten years my senior. And I would have navigated the early challenges in our marriage in healthier ways. But I had no concept of any of this. Our twenty-seven year marriage, which ended with my husband’s death when I was forty-eight years old, was marked by pain and dysfunction.
In my late thirties, the stress and pain of my marriage became unbearable. Seeking relief and answers, I returned to my childhood faith and began trying to know God and understand myself. It was not until I was in my sixties that I was ready to probe more deeply. Spurred by writing my memoir, Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey, I started psychotherapy. This helped me grow acquainted with the little girl inside me, the one who just kept on working, avoided direct communication and conflicts, and too often felt uncomfortable listening to others. I started to see how much of my life-long behavior had been governed by imprints from my childhood. My words and actions were automatic and reactive, not mindful and responsive. By this time, my children were fully grown. If I had understood more back then, I’m certain I would have been a much better mother—and wife. But, like all us us, I did the best I could at the time.
My two brothers have their own stories, but both of them had difficult marriages that ended in divorce. These days all three of us are all happily remarried. We are learning and growing, each in our own way—and are very grateful to have lived long enough to be able to do so!
What about you?
Are you oblivious, as I was for so long? Do you avoid dealing honestly with relationship challenges? Do you repeatedly get into the same argument with your partner? Are there subjects you cannot talk about with people you love? Are you uncomfortable discussing hard topics with your children? If your answer to any of these questions is “yes,” know it doesn’t have to be this way. These suggestions may help you
SUGGESTIONS:
1. Read Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions by Roberta Gilbert or Peter Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.
2. Try writing. For me it was trying to write my own story that helped me begin to understand it. Begin writing about one very specific childhood memory or relationship. Maryland residents can consider this local online memoir writing class. Or you can check out your local community colleges for classes. For a deep dive into memoir writing, read The Art Of Memoir by Mary Karr.
3. Seek help if you don’t know how to improve your relationships. Don’t wait decades before seeing a therapist…like I did.
4. Pray to our Divine Therapist in your prayer style of choice. See what I’ve written about meditation and God-centered mindfulness.
5. Be patient—this is a process, not a quick fix.
It’s a great time for me to tell you how much I appreciate you. I pray that you have a Thanksgiving day full of love, laughter, good food…and happy relationships!
Love, Donna
EXTRAS
Recently, I was honored to be a guest on these podcasts and have a chance to talk about abundant health, what it is, and how to get it. Each host is unique and I hope you check them out.
Host is Tobi Ojekunle, fascinating young Nigerian man who works as an IT engineer and Germany and hosts “soulful conversations” on Mirror Talk.
Great conversation with Ron and Marty Cooper on Overcomers Overcoming.
https://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/22976606
Listen to me with the remarkable Shayna Rattler about “Kingdom Authority,” entitled Authority Over Your Health. To be truthful, the expression “Kingdom Authority” was new to me!
https://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/24935586
Fun to meet Jenny RN to talk about Healing and Faith.
https://anchor.fm/jenny-lytle/episodes/44--Healing-and-Faith-with-Dr--Donna-Chacko-e1qd49g
Dr. Donna Chacko promotes health of body, mind, and spirit through her website (serenityandhealth.com), her blog, her podcast/vlog series Pop-Up Conversations on Health of Mind, Body, and Spirit, and programs at her church. She is the author of Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (Luminare Press, 2021), a recent best-seller on Amazon, 2022 Illumination Awards Gold Medal Winner, 2022 Reader Views Literary Award Gold Medal Winner, and 2022 Catholic Media Association First Place Awards.
Do you use these excuses to avoid having to take action?