How would you describe your relationship with work? What drives you to work and how do you feel about it? Is it stressful? The patron saint of workers is St. Joseph, whose life is especially celebrated in March, supported Mary and Jesus by working as a carpenter. I wonder how he dealt with interruptions as he labored at his workbench or how he reacted when Jesus lost or broke his tools while playing with them?
I recently began exploring my own thorny relationship with work while writing my book Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (to be published in June 2021). While deeply reflecting on my long and gratifying career as a physician, I realized there was another side to it. I began to ask myself why I was so obsessive about controlling my time and why did I feel I always must be working?
As I write in Pilgrimage, my “…path was to always work and be productive—and too often to over-function. This path is complicated. It has served me well in life because I’ve accomplished a lot. Being productive and efficient helped me get through some very busy times. But, this drive so controlled me that I never thought I had a choice. I was working and away so much when my children were little. Six weeks for my maternity leaves—I thought I didn’t have options. The reality was I couldn’t deal with the presumed negative reactions of my male colleagues if I took more time or with the sense of failure or quitting I would personally feel if I somehow adjusted my work hours. I deeply regret not giving my daughters more of my time and attention when they were little. I have become more aware of this loss for them and for me as I have watched how much time my daughters lavish on their children.”
Writing my book was difficult and, in fact, led me to begin therapy for the first time in my life. I’m now closer to God and understand myself better. But, I still have lots of questions about work, specifically about work-life balance. Perhaps you do as well.
Q&A with Author Cory Carlson
I recently met Cory Carlson, executive coach and author of Win at Home First. In this inspirational guidebook, he shares his own story about when he was not winning at home—but at the same time, not finding work to be ideal either. He was a corporate executive— it looked successful on the outside. But on the inside it was more of a hustle that was not fulfilling. I was very curious as to his experiences with his male coaching clients compared to the females he coaches. My own bias is that achieving work-life balance is more difficult for women than for men—a problem being aggravated by the pandemic. Cory kindly agreed to a brief written Q and A and, in fairness, wanted me to know that most of his clients are men, though 60% of them have full-time working spouses.
Hi Cory, when I read your words “Win at Home First,” I wondered, can a busy working woman really “win at home first”? Can she really win at home first and still have a successful career?
Absolutely she can win at home first and still have a successful career. However, winning at home first does not mean perfection. It does not mean the house is always clean, food is always on the stove, kids are never crying, and you are serving everyone else’s needs. Instead, winning at home first means living with intentionality about how you take care of yourself, your marriage, and your kids.
Making sure you and your spouse find time to get to workout, read, or spend time with friends—and to go on dates instead of just being roommates. Being intentional with your kids when you are around them —not being on your phone.
Whether man or woman, if our home life is moving in the right direction, then we can focus on work when we are at work and can be present when we are at home.
What traits and behaviors do you see in your men clients that lead to happier home lives for them and for their wives, particularly if their wives also work outside the home?
One of the first things I do when working with my clients, no matter if male or female, is help them understand that their identity is not found in their job. When we take our identity to our job, then we can’t think of anything else. We are always on our phone, laptop, at the office, or thinking about work. We are always striving. Whereas, when we accept our identity is not in our job, then we no longer live out of fear of failure or someone else’s opinion. When we have this mindset, this allows us to start releasing control and being able to be present when we are at home.
Another key part is having a servant mindset. I love the idea when you ask a couple who has been married a long time, ‘is it 50/50? And they say, no, it is 100/100.’ The times when my marriage has not gone well are when I was selfish. When it was about my agenda. However, we do better when I look to serve others in my family.
As a husband, what is your most important advice for our readers, as they juggle their work, marriages, and children?
The problem and the solution starts with you. Your kids are not the only whiny kids. Your spouse is not the only moody spouse. Your boss is not the only challenging boss. However, how you respond to all those circumstances is the differentiator. Some play the victim, while others look to be victorious with the situation.
The first part of my book ‘Win at Home First’ will help you become a better version of yourself by identifying where you want to go and how you will get there. When you know this, you can start to put things into perspective and have a framework to help you live into your new priorities.
Thank you very much, Cory, for agreeing to participate in this blog and for sharing your wisdom. We’ve just touched the surface of a big topic, but it’s a start.
2 Keys to Successful Home & Work Balance
Two keys to success in trying to balance home and work responsibilities are:
Making time to pray and reflect on your priorities in life and what God expects of you.
Practicing honest and respectful communication with your partner.
For women who work outside the home, figuring out how to be good mothers while doing their jobs can be very challenging—as my experience attests. Many men probably say the same about their role as fathers. The one thing I know for sure is that there is no one answer to this challenge. Every woman, man, family, marriage, and job is different.
Please Share Your Thoughts!
How do you define “work”? Do you find satisfaction in it? Or, are you just exhausted and frustrated as you struggle to be successful at work and at home? If the latter is true, please press pause. Slow down and prioritize time for yourself. This is the first step. Pray, listen to God, and seek trusted counsel—and, check out the resources listed below. Remember, to see a change, you must make a change. It can start with one small step, maybe something so simple like getting up five minutes earlier every day for some time for prayer and reflection.
It’s possible Cory and I may have touched a nerve with you. During the years my children were young, disagreements between my husband and me about division of labor in the home were all too common. If you are retired or no longer juggling family and work responsibilities, perhaps you have a different viewpoint now that you are able to reflect.
Please share your own experiences in the comment section below—you can do so anonymously by typing “Anonymous” in the Name field. Your experience may help someone else. You can also email me directly.
SUGGESTIONS:
1. Learn about faith-based ways to be more mindful— so that you do not automatically and unconsciously respond to stresses in unhealthy ways.
2. Learn more about Cory at his website, www.corymcarlson.com. Sign up to receive his free resource of 10 Ways to Win at Home. It is easy to read and very practical. Discuss it with your spouse.
3. Read the profound words of Rumi, the thirteenth century poet, in Prophet. Most relevant are the chapters on Work, page 30, and on Love, page 15.
A Favor
May I ask for your prayers as I get closer to releasing my book Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Story? As I’ve worked on book this over the last six years, I felt called by God to spread my message of hope and healing. But, now that it is close, it is scary.
God Bless.
P.S. Don’t forget to sign up for my monthly blog or follow me on Facebook or Donna Chacko on Twitter. If my message helps you in any way, please consider sharing it with others.
Dr. Donna Chacko promotes health of body, mind, and spirit through her website (serenityandhealth.com), her blog, and programs at her church. She is the author of the award-winning book and Amazon best-seller Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (Luminare Press, 2021). You can read her full bio here.
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